Real Life Series: Implementing The Rose and Rex Guide to Positive Language Strategies in My Home Part One: Challenging Moments

This is a personal reflection regarding the implementation of Rose and Rex’s Positive Language Guide which can be found HERE.

Around two years ago, I was really struggling to balance taking care of my newborn son and my toddler’s needs simultaneously. Right around my daughter’s second birthday, which was just two weeks after her baby brother entered our world, she started to display quite a few challenging behaviors.   I was sleep-deprived, emotional and anxious, and I was having a hard time finding “my way” to being the positive and conscious parent I wanted to be in order to meet their emotional and developmental needs. 

After reading what seemed like 5,432 parenting books/articles while rocking in the middle of the night, I started to gain a bit more confidence and care less about what everyone around me thought of me—or what they were doing; I started simply being as present as possible with my own children whenever I was with them. That’s when the shift happened—that’s when I started to BE the mom I wanted to be and parent my children the way I wanted to; that said, I sure do wish I had this guide a few years ago to help me get started—the examples for what to do in those challenging moments we all know so well are priceless and positively practical in every way.

Trust me, I read ALL the books and sure, I got the gist behind what it means to be a “positive parent,” but what I was missing was those key phrases included in this guide that we can use when things get uncomfortable or overwhelming in the parenting world. Fortunately, now I have them and ever since I bought this guide, I have been implementing these strategies in my own home with my 2-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter.  In doing so, I have noticed enormous improvements in their behavior and our connection. 

Here are a few of my biggest takeaways.  I will start with meltdowns because, for a while there, we lived in meltdown city—and I know I am not alone there.

A.   MELTDOWNS. One thing I love about my daughter is her ability to rely on her intuition to empathize with others at such a young age.  She feels deeply and, so often, this is a beautiful blessing.  But, other times, like when she is frustrated, exhausted, ashamed, or angry, her emotions truly take over her ability to access reasonability and it can be very difficult to connect with her. 

I used to think that perhaps a time out would help correct unwanted behaviors or even a strict lecture, but I quickly learned that the most effective and powerful thing to do with when she was having a physical or emotional meltdown was to stay present and ride out the storm with her.  This went against a lot of what I knew and what I thought I was supposed to do.  I worried:  How will she know it’s not okay to act this way when she is mad/sad/angry, etc.?  

On page 26, Lauren writes, “Physical behavior, such as biting, pushing and hitting usually occurs because young children don’t have the language they need to resolve social conflicts independently.  Sometimes they do have the appropriate words, but they can’t access them during stressful situations.”  She gently reminds us that adults have a hard time doing this as well.  Laurens advice here is helpful because she suggests limiting the unwanted behavior by simply saying, “Stop” and modeling appropriate language that is more acceptable.  For example, now when my daughter is upset because she can’t get her clothes on by herself, I tell her she can say, “I need help putting my dress on.  I am so frustrated right now because I want to do it by myself.”  Or I say, “You are frustrated because you couldn’t get the dress on by yourself and you didn’t want to ask me for help.”

She might not repeat those words it in the moment or even the next time it happens, but she will try out the word “frustrated” when she is playing and she will definitely use the language when she is ready to. After all, if I didn’t give her the language she needs to communicate with me, I can’t really expect her to use it, especially when she is unable to think clearly and calmly.

Furthermore, on page 28, Lauren discusses how a child will “often talk through difficult situations hours or even days later.”  I have found this to be so true; there are times my daughter brings up something that happened even weeks earlier when something else triggers the memory.  When she is comfortable and feeling more “neutral” she is able to talk and receive new information.  These are the times when we can teach new “emotional vocabulary” as Lauren calls it.  These are the times when we can talk about appropriate things we can do when we feel big emotions and when we can role play old and new scenarios that need some extra practice.  These are the times we should model the words we want them to have access to—even if they remain part of an internal dialogue for now.  

B.    SHARING. I remember never wanting to go to play spaces because I was afraid there would be a play shopping cart and that my daughter would insist on using it right away and for too long. I simply did not know how to help her to learn how to take turns and to cope with her feelings about that process so I wanted to avoid it.  To a child—and to most adults who demand their kids to share—sharing essentially comes to mean “give my toy (or whatever I am using at the moment) to someone else right away and I will be deemed a ‘good girl/boy’.”  Sharing in this sense is actually not even developmentally appropriate for young toddlers, but parents often feel pressure during playdates and at the playground to force their kids to give up their stuff immediately for fear of what the other parents will think.  Instead, it would benefit both children involved if parents used the language suggestions provided on pages 20 and 22 of the guide.

When one of my children wants to use something that the other is using (or if this happens when they are playing with others), I have used Lauren’s suggestion of telling them to ask (or modeling how to ask): “I’d like a turn with the bike soon. When will you be done using it?”  My son is not able to say this, but he does seem to understand when my daughter asks him this.  I then give him an option of when he can take turns with her: “Do you want to give it to her right now or in two minutes?”  Even if he doesn’t answer, it helps to give my daughter a time frame to work with to ease the pain of waiting.  I can give him a one-minute warning and then let him know it is her turn when two minutes is over.  Of course, there are times we go back and forth with crying and big emotions here, BUT this is real for them and they are learning strategies to both effectively communicate their wants/needs and manage their emotions. 

I also really like Lauren’s suggestion of empowering your children to say, “I am still using this” if someone tries to take something they are engaged with from them.  We can elaborate on this and say things like, “It seems like he really wants a turn and is having a hard time waiting.  I wonder when you’ll be ready to give him a turn.” This will prompt your young one to consider the other person’s feelings without explicitly telling her what to do—this fosters independence and confidence in relationship building and problem solving. 

C.   FORCED APOLOGIES.  Even as an adult, I have a hard time doing something immediately just because my mom tells me to.  For some young children (like mine) the desire to be autonomous and assert one’s own self is exceedingly stronger than the desire to obey—and this is developmentally normal. So, similar to what happens when I force them to share or even to say thank you for that matter, demanding a forced apology often results in them shutting down or me bargaining to get them to say what I want.  Needless to say, neither of these outcomes are effective nor do they do anything to teach the power of empathy, remorse, gratitude and genuine communication.  I’ve done next to nothing to facilitate their own learning and development around these large topics. 

In Dr. Ross Greene’s book, The Explosive Child, he discusses his solid belief that children will do well when they can; he argues that children generally know right from wrong and want to do the right thing, but other factors—such as lagging skills in problem solving strategies and frustration tolerance—get in the way.  We want our children to be intrinsically motivated to show empathy to express their feelings, including those of remorse and or gratitude.  As their primary role models for how to do this, we need to trust their developing inner conscience and provide consistent, genuine modeling all of the time so they will learn how to cultivate these skills.  

On page 24 of the guide, Lauren writes, “When children experience the comfort that a sincere apology provides, they are more likely to apologize for their own actions.” Her examples include apologizing for when we do small things like bumping into our child by accident and for “big” things like when we lose our temper and wish we behaved differently.  We need them to see that we are willing to accept our own mistakes and convey our apologies in order to repair our relationship.  So now, I say things like, “I am sorry I spoke to you in that tone of voice earlier when I was frustrated that we were going to be late.  I should have spoken to you in a calmer and kinder way.”  It is okay if my children don’t “accept” my apology or really even acknowledge it much; I am more concerned with them receiving the input of knowledge that it is normal to make mistakes and appropriate to offer a sincere apology.  I also want them to begin to notice how it feels when I do that so they consider how others feel when they do so. 

I will also use Lauren’s suggestion of saying, “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”  when their feelings have been hurt in any way.  Offering suggestions like giving a hug, going for a walk next to them, sitting with them and reading a book all are different ways they can comfort a friend in the future.  I’ve noticed my eldest trying this out with her younger brother often and it truly seems to make both of them feel better—and it’s adorable!

In conclusion for this part of my series, I hope my reflection of implementing these positive language strategies during challenging moments offers you further support and encouragement to try using them in your own home.  Next time, I will write about our experience rephrasing commonly used negative phrases into positive ones!

FIND THE ROSE AND REX POSITIVE LANGUAGE GUIDE HERE